是一個下着毛毛細雨的早晨, 我一邊聽著柔和的詩歌……，如若你 …能看見藍 …天……一邊漫步在只有我一個人的路上，小雨點輕輕的散在路旁含包待放的小花朶，灑在我的瞼龐，落到我的鼻尖，好像天鵝絨一般溫柔, 細膩 ，感覺很浪漫，難怪詩人常用毛毛來形容細雨，很美，美得令人落淚！
小時候常獨個兒隔著窗看雨，看著小雨滴滴答答的敲着窗，然後輕輕的滑下，像眼淚，淒美，感性，扣人心絃，扣出能令人幻想無窮無盡的交響樂，詩一般的意境，憧憬着將來我會如何…如何…………神就是在我那少年不識愁滋味的曰子，開我的心眼，讓我能看見……… 讓我能看見神恩典的奇妙！
………… 神賜給我一班親愛的弟兄姊妹，團契有如在地若天，巴不得每一天都是星期天，牧者的帶領，導師的關懷，每一次聚會，每一個退修會，刻骨銘心，永遠難忘！對神更許下諾言，盡心盡性盡意愛神愛人愛教會！我們用單純做橋樑，用真誠去溝通，用主的愛去關懷，用歡笑，用淚水，一同擁抱著我們的夢想。………
時移世易，弟兄姊妹們各散東西，連同我們的夢想也一同帶走了……帶走了何止千萬里，是越過太平洋，跨過大西洋，剩下的就只有一串串的回憶！
如若你…能看見…詩歌然猶在耳，為何我只緬懷過去天堂般的團契生活，卻忘記了對神的承諾……我眼睛能看見監天，卻看不見週邊的人的需要, 而只顅自己的感受！ 我耳能聼到滴滴答答的雨聲，卻聼不見神一次又一次的呼喚提醒我，起初的愛心往那裡去了？愛人的心也硬化變得冰冷了嗎？
然而，神啊，不是我缺乏愛心，而是很多時是心有餘而力不足呀！年紀大了，經歷多了，思想就愈發變得複雜，對自己就愈發重重保護，對人多了一份猜疑防備，那些年間推心置腹的友誼，促膝 談心的知己，已是尋覓無門，是無可奈何，痛苦可悲的發現呀！
小時候常獨個兒隔著窗看雨，看著小雨滴滴答答的敲着窗，然後輕輕的滑下，像眼淚，淒美，感性，扣人心絃，扣出能令人幻想無窮無盡的交響樂，詩一般的意境，憧憬着將來我會如何…如何…………神就是在我那少年不識愁滋味的曰子，開我的心眼，讓我能看見……… 讓我能看見神恩典的奇妙！
………… 神賜給我一班親愛的弟兄姊妹，團契有如在地若天，巴不得每一天都是星期天，牧者的帶領，導師的關懷，每一次聚會，每一個退修會，刻骨銘心，永遠難忘！對神更許下諾言，盡心盡性盡意愛神愛人愛教會！我們用單純做橋樑，用真誠去溝通，用主的愛去關懷，用歡笑，用淚水，一同擁抱著我們的夢想。………
時移世易，弟兄姊妹們各散東西，連同我們的夢想也一同帶走了……帶走了何止千萬里，是越過太平洋，跨過大西洋，剩下的就只有一串串的回憶！
如若你…能看見…詩歌然猶在耳，為何我只緬懷過去天堂般的團契生活，卻忘記了對神的承諾……我眼睛能看見監天，卻看不見週邊的人的需要, 而只顅自己的感受！ 我耳能聼到滴滴答答的雨聲，卻聼不見神一次又一次的呼喚提醒我，起初的愛心往那裡去了？愛人的心也硬化變得冰冷了嗎？
然而，神啊，不是我缺乏愛心，而是很多時是心有餘而力不足呀！年紀大了，經歷多了，思想就愈發變得複雜，對自己就愈發重重保護，對人多了一份猜疑防備，那些年間推心置腹的友誼，促膝 談心的知己，已是尋覓無門，是無可奈何，痛苦可悲的發現呀！
少年不識愁滋味，愛上層樓，喋喋不休，為賦新詞强說愁。
而今識盡愁滋味，千言萬語，欲說還休。卻道天涼好個秋！
那些年間我們一起走過的日子，就讓它藏在我們心坎裡咀嚼回味吧了！
Posts
Where are you going my little sister? Pacific? Atlantic? Don’t go too far.
ReplyDeleteWe are still here….looking at the same rain drops….slowly coming down the window.
It is rainy day today, I can hear your song….embracing your dream….but then God wants us to wait for that day.
That day we will be all together with Him enjoying the love, the laughter, wiping each other’s tears. However, that day is not coming soon enough.
Yes, let’s treasure the memory we have and wait patiently…..going back to my window for now!!!
From: your friend and your brother
若詩, empathizing the nostalgia expressed in this beautiful sentiment, I feel for you dearly. Be comforted that my prayers are with you. May I share a piece I came across of late -
ReplyDeleteFeeling Thrown Away (by Anita Lustrea)
We were made for Christian community—so why was I so lonely?
I saw the crumpled paper out of the corner of my eye while talking to an acquaintance at the end of choir rehearsal. I finished my conversation, bent over, and picked up the paper to toss it in the wastebasket. At the last second I uncrumpled and read it.
I saw my handwriting.
I love to sing; singing in the choir fed my soul. The choir room was my sacred space. Our choir director usually started us with vocal warm-ups, then we'd rehearse a few anthems before taking a break for devotions. We exchanged prayer requests at the end of each break. We wrote them down and put them in a basket, then took one from the basket as it made its way back around.
This evening was different. Our choir director asked us to write down a personal prayer request, one we might not otherwise share publicly. He challenged us to sign our names if we felt we could. It didn't take long to write mine—the words flowed easily. I'd written a personal request but couldn't decide if I'd sign my name. With palms sweating, at the last second, I signed my name, folded the paper, and tossed it in the basket. I'd taken a huge risk. I remember thinking, Anita, you are really desperate to do this.
I was.
Now leaving to go home, I picked up that crumpled piece of paper to discover my handwriting. I smoothed it and read it again.
"I'm very lonely. Please pray for me."
... to be cont'd
Feeling Thrown Away (by Anita Lustrea)
ReplyDeleteWe were made for Christian community—so why was I so lonely? (...cont'd )
Desperate
I'd found my plea, discarded and tossed on the floor. I was devastated. I put the smoothed-out piece of paper in my Bible, and thought, I'll take this home and throw it out myself! Then no one else can find my confession. A piece of my heart was inked onto that piece of paper. It withered and died that night.
On the ride home, my mind went into overdrive. How many people saw this, picked it up, read it, and dropped it back on the floor? I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I wanted to leave the choir and the church and never come back.
If you knew me then, you had no idea the depth of my loneliness. Even I didn't fully. I was a worship leader, and in leadership at work, but I was dying inside. I had plenty of acquaintances, but no deep friendships. I was desperately lonely and in a very lonely marriage.
A few weeks later the woman who had picked my prayer request out of the basket privately identified herself and apologized. She'd intended to visit me, but hadn't been able to find the time. As she told me this, I remember screaming inside my head, I can't believe you are standing there telling me that you almost came to visit me, but you didn't have time! I was desperate enough to write this request and sign my name to it; can you honestly not see how lonely I am right now?
Feeling Thrown Away (by Anita Lustrea)
ReplyDeleteWe were made for Christian community—so why was I so lonely? (...cont'd2)
But that's not what I said. I kept a demure smile on my face and nodded politely.
When the conversation ended, my questions turned toward God: Lord, where are you? Do you hear me? Do you care? Couldn't you send someone to meet me in my loneliness? Didn't I take a risk and do my part?
The Truth
For some women, isolation is imposed on them. For many, it's self-imposed. I sense that loneliness is epidemic among women—especially Christian women. Many of us struggle with loneliness because we don't believe we're loved daughters of God. If someone asked you if God loves you, you'd answer yes. My guess is you don't really believe it. Because of a confusing, sometimes hurtful past, I believed I didn't really matter: I didn't believe God wanted to hear my heart poured out to him. It's taken me a lot of time, along with soaking in truth from Scripture, to believe that he does want to hear me, and he doesn't want me to be lonely; he wants me to be in community.
As we lean into God, we can ask the Spirit to help us discern to whom we should open ourselves. Everyone needs a friend, but not everyone is safe, especially for those of us who feel particularly fragile. Should I have expected a randomly chosen choir member to respond to my pain in any manner other than prayer? I'm not sure. Should I have associated finding my "confession" on the floor as a sign that I had been personally discarded? Probably not.
What if, when the woman who read my prayer request approached me, I'd responded more authentically? She was honest with me about her intentions and apologized for not following through. Had I ever done that?
What if I'd said, "I'm sure you're busy, and I don't know what I expected to happen. I didn't really know how lonely I was until I had a moment to put my pen to paper. Maybe we can meet at Starbucks one day next week?"
I think both of us had been immobilized by fear. I had fear of rejection; she had fear of what she might be signing up for.
C. S. Lewis said it best: "[Jesus] works on us in all sorts of ways … [but] above all, he works on us through each other. Men are mirrors, or carriers of Christ." In community, we're mirrors for one another. When we walk the path alone, we don't have true perspective. God made us for community. Not loneliness.
The night I found my crumpled prayer request on the choir room floor, I could have left the choir and never come back. But I knew God wanted me in relationships with others, even if it meant risking again. Satan would have loved for me to leave the choir and the church. But we were made to take risks, to be known by others. Our identity is in a communal God. And slowly I'm learning to reach out.
Adapted from What Women Tell Me: Finding Freedom from the Secrets We Keep.
To dear 若詩
“You have a God who hears you, the power of love behind you, the Holy Spirit within you, and all of heaven ahead of you.” - Max Lucado
You are not alone.
Love & blessings
Irene
大雨下足整個週末，但一想到同一時間，隔著窗看雨的又何止我一個，心裡就感到暖洋洋的，多謝你，my dear friend and my dear brother, 多謝你，Irene!
ReplyDelete若詩
Dear 若詩
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome! Hope that helps a bit or at least serves as a distraction if not confusion sidetracking you from the mood. I found it helpful. On the warm and fuzzy note. here's something from Sarah Young, Jesus Calling 365 Day Perpetual Calendar:
"Look to Me continually for help, comfort, and companionship. Because I am always by your side, the briefest glance can connect you with Me. When you look to Me for help, it flows freely from My Presence. This recognition of your need for Me, in small matters as well as large ones, keeps you spiritually alive."
(Scripture reference: Psalm 34:4-6)
Nobody's letting the rain get us Sad And Depressed, certainly not any of that Seasonal Affective Disorder stirring up the winter blues.
S.A.D is to SING and DANCE!!
Irene